Beer Made Clear: Baltika "Extra Lager" 9

Friday, July 25, 2008

Baltika "Extra Lager" 9

By Jonathan Kosakow

During my time in Europe, I drank a lot of beer. Of all that beer, I can honestly say I only had one bottle I genuinely thought tasted, well, awful. That bottle was made by Baltika.

I never thought I'd see it in the United States, seeing as it is basically the Busch Light of Russia (though somehow it made it's way into Belgium and the Czech Republic). Unfortunately, though, here it is.

My roommate bought this extra-large "Extra Lager" (what the hell is an "extra lager?") just because he was curious. $2.25 for 51 ounces of 9% ABV complete and total acidity, how could you beat it? I think it was the plastic bottle with a twist cap that really nailed down the deal.

When you first twist off the Coca-Cola-two-liter-esque cap, you immediately ask yourself, "Ew, what's that smell?". The answer I came up with is this: "It smells like bad wine that's been left out, open, for about two months." Being the curious idiot that I am, I accepted a small glass of the stuff. I was scared. Thankfully, it went down smoothly, and I did not vomit. Maybe it's the affinity I've developed for drinking warm Colt 45 on a winter's eve, or maybe it's just that I've killed all the taste buds on my tongue somehow or other, but I can honestly say it wasn't the worst thing I've ever tasted. It was pretty God-awful, though.

Unless you really enjoy a good automobile accident, I recommend this beer to nobody.

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After being in semi-seclusion for four years in rural Pennsylvania as he reached toward a degree in Psychology he would probably never use, Jonathan discovered a love of words, and began to use more of them on a daily basis - both on paper and by use of his vocal chords. You can find some of his writing on Popmatters.com, Glide Magazine’s HiddenTrack blog and Relix.com, but most of it can be found on the floor of his home or stashed away in files on his computer. He has recently fled the comforts of home in New York City for the vast open spaces of Colorado, where he breathes fresh air and is reaching towards a higher degree in Creative Writing. Aside from his work on BeerMadeClear, Jonathan is also the co-founder of the music-related website NoiseReport.net.

I hated beer the first time I drank some, but don't hold it against me, I was about 8 at the time. Then in 8th grade my older sister took me to a pool party at her friend's house and I tasted my first Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde. These days I tend to stay away from the fruitier flavored beers, but I owe my beer adventuring to that wonderful brew.

Since the time of my beer virginity I have gone through many phases of being a booze hound, including the high school drink whatever you can get your hands on phase, the college drink the cheapest beer you can find phase, the post college drink as many different kinds of beer as you can phase and am currently in the drink whatever I feel like phase.

Along with drinking beer, I also love to travel and find new beers, brew my own beer, drink wine, whiskey and tequila, and go to beer related events such as festivals and pub crawls. These passions have led to many trips to Europe, across North America and even a short stint in Brazil.

Looking back, the day that I became a true beer enthusiast was during my sophomore year in college when I tried a bottle of Troegs HopBack. Before that, I drank natty light or whatever was available at college parties, and whatever I could steal from my neighbors' garages in high school. One sip of that sweet brew forever changed my perception of what beer could be. Having the Selinsgrove brew pub around only fueled my passion for great beers (their IPA is still the best in my mind)

After graduation, I was lost for a year, working a job that I hated- selling insurance and financial products. The only things that kept me sane were playing music, brewing beer, and visiting the flying saucer in Raleigh NC. It is there that I was truly turned on to the world of Belgian brews. Trying such masterpieces as St. Bernadus ABT 12, Tripel Karmeliet, Delerium Tremens, Duvel, and Maredsous, I was once again amazed at the flavor spectrums that were made available in a beverage.

A year later, I moved back to PA, got a job selling beer and haven't looked back since. Prost!

Many of the beers I stole from my parents in high school made my mouth begin to water profusely after a few sips. Now, 10 years later, this phenomenon happens in reverse - I salavate at the sound of carbonation escaping from a bottle. Maybe I'm too dumb for my brain to appropriately catch on to Pavlov's theory of "Classical Conditioning" or maybe my taste buds just said screw it this guy's in for the long haul. I'm not sure. Either way, I've come to appreciate the many styles and flavors of beer that are around.

Who ever thought the "we'll talk in 10 years" conversation with your parents would sound like this: "Christopher, if you only put as much effort into doing something constructive as you do with your beer drinking you could get a lot done." I don't know what that really says, but as a former band member of the "Booze Brothers" according to my Dad, I would say that I thoroughly enjoy drinking beer.