Recession Beers

by Jonathan Kosakow

In these times of financial peril, alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike are feeling a pinch on their leisure activities. Unfortunately for those of us who enjoy a beer with actual taste, having to watch our wallets also means often having to abstain from those rare bottles that our distributor picks up on a one-time-only basis. Now, you might be saying "Jonathan, how dare you drink a cheap beer!" or even "Dude, you've changed," but never fear my dear friends, I am simply a slave to the world around me, and am no different from you. We must adapt to our financial situations or be bitterly tossed off the island in Darwin-esque fashion, only to find out that all we had to do was eat pig testicles to win the million dollars. It is necessary to save a dollar here and there so that when the time counts, we can throw our shoulders back and our chests forward and buy the pretty girl on our left a Malibu and Pineapple Juice for $9.50. So with that said, I bring to you my very short list of beers that, even in a recession, we can enjoy to their fullest potential, without smashing the piggy banks our mothers gave us for our 5th birthday with the hammers our fathers gave us for Christmas later that year.

Pabst Blue Ribbon - At my local grocery store (Key Food in Astoria on 30th Avenue at the corner of 43rd Street - a fine establishment, I suggest you take a walk through), a 12-pack of PBR goes for $7.99 plus tax. Pick up a bag of chips on top of that, and you and a friend can each throw in $5 and be set for the night (or at least until halftime on Sunday). If you ask me, this is the best deal you can find. Though Natural Light and Milwaukee's Best might be a dollar cheaper, a cold can of PBR will go down smoothly with a hint of malts and hops, and will have far less chance of giving you an ulcer from the acidity. Some of you might prefer a Budweiser (or for the ladies, a Bud Light), but my question to you is, why spend $15 on a taste you can have for half that? And hell, in 2006 it won back that "Blue Ribbon" for the first time since 1893. Now that's quality that lasts.

Yuengling Lager - For Beer Guys like Tom and Chris, they can pick up a case of this delicious Lager at their local Pennsylvania distributor for under $25 (that's about $1 per beer), and for me here in New York, a 12-pack of long necks generally goes for about $14 (in cans for $12). That's not bad considering Coors and MGD sell for closer to $16 or $17. It also tastes like heaven.

Miller High Life - It may not live up to it's slogan, but the "Champagne of Beers" does go down smoothly when drunk (drank?) from the bottle (the can leaves a lot to be desired, besides the aftertaste of cheap aluminum). I couldn't tell you how much it costs these days, but I do know that the lightness in your wallet will feel worth it when you start getting a little light headed at around 10 this evening.

Colt 45, 40 oz. - Two dollars and twenty-five cents for forty ounces of beverage. That's cheaper than a bottle of "designer" water, whatever the hell that means. Speaking of water, here's another way to save money: pick up your jock and drink from the tap. Einstein did it, and so should you. (Note - I'm only guessing that Einstein drank from the tap).

Now, there are other options of course, but to be honest I'm just too lazy to do the "research" (by research I mean it's Monday evening and I don't feel like getting tanked just to educate you lazy cheapskates on how to save a couple bucks but still get a good buzz). Take my advice, or don't, see what I care, but don't come asking me for a dollar unless you put it to good use.