Heartland Brewery

by Jonathan Kosakow

The first time I went to a Heartland Brewery, I had high expectations.  "A brew pub in New York City?" I thought.  "How could you go wrong?"  Well, I'll tell you how you could go wrong: by walking into a Heartland Brewery with high expectations.  

On this first visit I ordered the flight of beers, and was able to sample all of their brews within an hour. Needless to say, I was drunk by the end of this, and most likely slurring my speech. Luckily, the friend I was with followed suit, and neither of us was trying to sleep in the other's bed (his name is Andrew, and he has his own big boy bed). Towards the end of the sampler, I could hardly tell the difference between the stout and the porter. I thought this was just because my senses were dulled by the hour's worth of alcohol I had imbibed, but since then I have been proven wrong.

For whatever reason, I have gone back to the Heartland Brewery a number of times since then, and I am always disappointed in their beer. At this point, I feel like I have tried just about all of the 20-odd concoctions they have hastily thrown together, and for the life of me I can't remember ONE that stands out above the rest. Aside from the flashy logos that they assign to each new recipe, there is literally no reason for me to even read the description of each beer, besides fro the sake of being polite.

I've assessed the problem over and over in my head (I know, there are more constructive things I could be doing, but I won't defend my useless analytical leanings), and what I've come up with is that the Heartland Brewery is not a spot for beer lovers. Hell, it's hardly a spot for New Yorkers. It is a spot for tourists, for people looking for a theme, for people more interested in decor and surroundings of a restaurant than in what they are ingesting. The Heartland Brewery is more concerned with making money than making beer, so they follow the simple recipe for that: over-advertise, overcharge, under-work (that is nothing against the wait staff or bartenders, the service is actually quite good).  So, I realize now, that this is less of a review of a beer or a brewery than it is of a tourist trap. Sorry to everyone, if I've wasted your time.